Home Today's Paper Most Popular Video Gallery Photo Gallery
Subscription Blog Signin Register
Logo
Friday, April 27, 2018 02:59:53 AM
Follow Us On: Facebook Twitter Twitter Twitter Twitter

Dealing a teen who talks back

photo by

By
05th-Feb-2017       
Comments
Share your thought
Post a comment »
Read all () »

Lisa Medoff :
Parents often notice a resurgence of the "terrible twos" when their child enters adolescence, complete with the assertions of independence, the frustration of not having the language needed to express the complexity of their emotions, and the seemingly automatic response of, "No!" or "That's not fair!" when asked to do anything by parents. Even tantrums seem to rear their ugly heads during the teen years.
It seems as if our current society both reflects and encourages these behaviors, as media often shows sassy teenage stars who get a laugh from their rude remarks aimed at adults, who are often portrayed as unreasonable and/or less intelligent than the teenagers. Parents who are concerned about quashing their teen's independence, worried about engaging in a power struggle that they might not be able to win, or just feeling helpless in the face of the teen's strongly expressed emotions, may simply give up when their child refuses to do what is asked of him.
It's important for parents to understand that teenagers do not have the same control of their impulses that adults do, since the part of the brain that helps one think ahead and adjust behavior based on potential consequences (the prefrontal cortex), is still developing. However, even though your teenager's brain development is still in progress, she still needs to learn how to control impulsive and rude behavior, not only to make life more pleasant for those surrounding her at the time, but also because the experiences that one has during adolescence helps to wire the brain to effectively deal with emotions and impulses throughout life. Parents need to provide support and guidance that will enable such effective responses to eventually become hard-wired in the brain. Part of providing such support and guidance is setting clear boundaries about what kind of behavior will be tolerated, and what consequences exist for engaging in behavior that is not allowed.  Both teenagers and parents need to know that it is developmentally appropriate and healthy to question what is being asked of them, as long as they are not doing it in a rude or offensive manner. We do want to teach our teenager that it's important to stand up for what they believe in, and that some ways of getting what they want are more effective than others, but that sometimes standing up for oneself may include an unpleasant consequence. Here are some ways to deal with teenagers that talk back and show disrespect:
Make sure that the rules of the house are very clear and specific. You may need to say to your child (at a time when you are both calm), "We have been fighting a lot lately, so we need to sit down and clarify what my/our expectations for your behavior are, and what the consequences will be for breaking the rules."
When your child talks back to you or refuses to do something you have asked, take a few seconds to remind yourself to stay calm, and think about what you are about to say. Do not threaten your child or yell at her, as these behaviors can cause the interaction to escalate. Simply state the behavior and remind your child of the consequences. If your child seems to be out of control (or you feel that you are getting out of control), let her know that you will continue the conversation later, and walk away.
Be confident, firm, and consistent. Do not negotiate with your child, back down, or let her draw your into an argument about the consequence that you are enforcing. Consequences are consequences and shouldn't be up for discussion or argument. If your child feels like she can argue or negotiate a consequence, she'll be more likely to continue an undesired behavior and moreover, more likely to argue even more the next time around. Do not lecture or give long-winded speeches, as your teen will simply tune out, which will in turn make you more likely to get worked up.
Be willing to have conversations (rather than arguments) about adjusting the rules and consequences every few months as your child gets older and can take on more responsibility. However, make it clear that your teen must be able to present her position to you without being rude - this is an excellent life skill to instill. In addition, all parties involved need to understand that just because your teen may present a good argument in a polite manner, it doesn't mean that you're required to change your position. Be willing to listen with an open mind and be up for a discussion, but in the end, you are the parent with the life experience to make good decisions, as well as the person responsible for your child's safety and well-being.
Backtalk sometimes comes from teenagers trying to learn how to assert their independence and test limits, so help them make good choices within the boundaries that you set. As much as possible, let them be responsible for their own behavior, even if it means that they have to deal with the negative consequences (this can often be the best learning experience from them). In addition, give them choices whenever you can, but make it clear when no choice exists and you are not willing to negotiate, especially when it comes to matters of your child's safety.  When your child uses rude words to label you or someone else, ask her to be specific. Say, "When you call me…, it is not only rude and will not be tolerated, but it also does not help me understand what you want. Tell me what you are upset about or what you would like to happen."  One common refrain from teens is, "You don't understand!" Do not further frustrate your child by saying, "Yes, I do!", or "I went through exactly what you are going through now." We all like to think of experiences as unique. Instead of asserting a "been there, done that" stance, help your child practice communicating without being rude by responding, "I may not understand, but I do want to try to understand what you are feeling. Can we talk about it later when we're both calmer? Or you can you write it down and send me an e mail, if you like?"
Think about how you speak to your child and to others around you. How often are you sarcastic or rude? Is your child picking up on your tone and the way you treat others? Try to adjust your own behavior and remember that whether she knows it or not, you are your child's greatest influence in terms of nuturing the right kinds of behavior in her. Consider telling your child that you have noticed that you can be rude to others sometimes, and that you're going to try to modify your own behavior. Sometimes, parents admitting that they too can make mistakes or have things that they need to work on, makes all the difference in terms of communication. Your child will feel less like she's under attack and more open to making adjustments of her own. Try to break a pattern of interaction in which your child is constantly rude to you and you in turn respond with frustration and/or punishment. Tell your child that you don't like the way your relationship has been lately, and that you would like to do something pleasant together. Let your child choose something that the two of you can do together, and make a pact that neither of you will be rude or critical. If one of you breaks the pact, end the activity, and try again another day.  
Give your child the same respect that you would like and try to refrain from name-calling or labeling with such words as, "spoiled brat." Instead, keep the focus on the behavior that you would like to change.
If your child seems to be out of control or defying you in ways that endanger her safety or that of others, seek professional assistance immediately. Ultimately, helping your child break habits of backtalk and disrespect will help her not only in her not only at home, but will make all the difference in her ability relate to others and be successful in life.

Tariff
Add Rate

News Archive

Inside The New Nation

Editorial »

Corruption becomes organisational


THE investigation teams of Anti-Corruption Commission (ACC) have got evidence about large-scale financial corruptions in 10 government organizations where the Roads and Highways Department topped the list. Second and third positions have been acquired by education and health sectors consecutively. Others are Land, Public Works Department, Chattogram Port Authority, Land ...

Sports »

Bangladesh Army Area Commander Headquarter logistic area Mejor General Ataul Hakim Sarwar Hasan giving away champoins trophy to the Tenth Infantry Division of Bangladesh Army team,who became Champions of the Bangladesh Army Watersports at Army Swimming Complex at Banani in the city on Thursday.


Entertainment »

Ankhi Alamgir busy with stage shows


Entertainment Report :Ankhi Alamgir is such a popular singer who has to be engaged with stage shows round the year at home and abroad. On April 14, 15 and 19 she took part in three countries - Paris, Vienna and Oman respectively with the invitation from expatriate Bangladeshis there. After ...

City »

BNP Secretary General Mirza Fakhrul Islam Alamgir, among others, at a discussion organised by `Sammilita Bouddha Nagorik` at the Jatiya Press Club on Thursday demanding release of the party Chairperson Begum Khaleda Zia.


Weekend Plus »

Myths, tips for healthy hair in summer


Weekend Plus Desk :Summer can bring in several hair woes. From using right serum to brushing in a proper way, experts say there are easy ways to tame your mane.Arpit Jain, founder and Managing Director of Auraine Botanicals, suggests tips to keep your hair healthy:* Hair serum: Always apply hair ...

International »

India-China summit expected to ease tensions over border


AP, New Delhi :Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi is meeting this week with Chinese President Xi Jinping, a visit that some experts believe could reset a complicated relationship that faced several tests last year, including a tense border standoff.The meeting between the leaders of the world's two most populous nations ...

Editorial »

Stop women harassment on running buses


A DHAKA court on Tuesday placed three staffers including driver of a Turag Paribahan bus in a case filed over sexually harassing a private university female student in the running bus on her way to campus. According to the case statement, on April 21, the girl boarded the bus on ...

International »

Trump, Russia and China media attacks `threaten democracy`


AFP, Paris :Press freedom around the world is under threat from a triple whammy of US President Donald Trump, Russia and China's bid to crush all dissent, a watchdog said Wednesday.Reporters Without Borders (RSF) warned that a "climate of hatred and animosity" towards journalists combined with growing attempts to control ...

Football »

Liverpool`s Mohamed Salah celebrates with teammates after scoring his side's opening goal during the Champions League semifinal, first leg, soccer match between Liverpool and Roma at Anfield Stadium in Liverpool, England on Tuesday.


Entertainment »

Yami hopes to help kids, one book at a time


Yami Gautam, actress of the upcoming Batti Gul and Uri posted on her social media that she has just supported and donated towards setting up a library for under privileged kids in Kohlapur, Maharashtra. Her donation will help over 400 children in the area to read, learn and imagine. The ...

City »

Human rights activist Dr Hamida Hossain, among others, at a seminar on 'Socio-economic Development of Dalit Women in Bangladesh and National Budget' organised by different organisations in CIRDAP Auditorium in the city on Wednesday.


Football »

Members of Dhaka Abahani Limited during their practice session at the Abahani Ground on Tuesday.


Sports »

Senior Operative Director (Head of Games & Sports Department) of Walton Group FM Iqbal Bin Anwar Dawn (second from left) speaking at a press conference at the Club House in Army Golf Club on Tuesday.


Entertainment »

Sonam to quit Bollywood!


Sonam Kapoor's wedding has been one of the most talked about topics of discussion in the industry. A lot of speculations are being made about Sonam-Anand's wedding. Recent reports suggested that Sonam will be shifting to London post her wedding with Anand.These speculations even gave rise to rumours that Sonam ...

Editorial »

Police must not feel free to abuse police power against police discipline


A MOTORCYCLE was stolen from in front of a high police official's residence last week. Motorbikes are the easiest target for thieves. They either stealthily take away the bikes or stop the riders at night and snatch away their bikes. Sometimes, the bikers are knifed or beaten up. Last year, ...

 
Items that you save may be read at any time on your computer, iPad, iPhone or Android devices.
 
Are you new to our website? Do you have already an account at our website?
Create An Account Log in here
Email this news to a friend or like someone
Email:
Write a comment to this news