Home Today's Paper Most Popular Video Gallery Photo Gallery
Subscription Blog Signin Register
Logo
Tuesday, November 24, 2020 02:09:53 AM
Follow Us On: Facebook Twitter Twitter Twitter Twitter

When is it emotional abuse?

photo by

By
08th-Nov-2018       
Share
  • Twitter
  • Google+
  • Save
  • E-mail
  • Print
Comments
Share your thought
Post a comment »
Read all () »

Andrea Mathews LPC, NCC :
We hear the term emotional abuse tossed about quite a bit these days. So, lest we make it a dumping ground for every negative emotional encounter, we must get clear on what is and is not emotional abuse.
First, let's talk about what emotional abuse is not. It is not emotionally abusive to break up with a partner. It is not emotionally abusive to argue with your partner. It is not emotionally abusive when someone reacts to what you have done with hurt. People react out of their own perceptions, so their reactions do not define your behavior. It is also not emotional abuse to speak one's mind with blunt honesty. Perhaps the statement lacks tact, but it is not emotionally abusive. Again, just because someone reacts to what has been said with hurt does not mean that one has been emotionally abused.
It is not emotionally abusive to yell at your partner - this is one that quite often gets blurry. So let's stop and talk about it for a moment. Everyone yells sometimes. Everyone. Frankly, I would be more concerned about someone who could not ever let himself yell than I am about someone who sometimes raises his voice to higher and louder octaves in order to express his emotions. So something that everyone does cannot be considered to be emotionally abusive. Now screaming at someone hysterically in an emotional verbal assault is considered to be emotional abuse. But when a husband and wife, or parent and child, yell at each other, this is just a normal expression of emotion. Once the emotion has been expressed, it probably would be a good idea to sit down and talk it out to find a solution to the problem.      
Emotional abuse is an attempt to control, in just the same way that physical abuse is an attempt to control another person. The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing, or other physical forms of harm. Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice.
Commonly, the perpetrator of emotional abuse does not know that she is being abusive. Rather, she may be aware that she feels insecure about whether or not her partner loves her, so she feels compelled to accuse him of cheating, blame him for her unhappiness, or constantly check his voice and text messages, etc. The accusations, the blame, and the constant checking up are forms of emotional abuse.
He may think that he knows what's best for his partner or what looks correct to the outside world, so he is constantly trying to control her every move, criticizing her harshly when she doesn't do it his way or threatening her when she seems to go outside the lines. He may verbally attack her when she argues with him, because her arguing is convincing evidence to him that he is not in control of her. He may criticize her talking, her walking, her dressing, her interactions with others, her style of living and coping in order to gain and keep control over her.
For example: Mary constantly criticizes Tim in hopes that by putting him down, she will be able to control his behavior. She belittles him when they are alone, and she puts him down in front of others. When he tries to speak up for himself or call her on her behavior, she attempts to make him feel like he is crazy, like everyone knows he's crazy, and no one would ever take him seriously (AKA gaslighting). She blames him for her unhappiness frequently, holding him responsible for how she feels. She takes little to no responsibility for her own choices and behavior. She uses a double-standard when it comes to her own behavior, not holding herself accountable when she does the same exact things for which she criticizes him. She calls him stupid, inept, dumb, and other like names frequently. When he speaks to her relatives or friends, she rolls her eyes in an attempt to manipulate them into disrespecting him. She frequently treats him with disdain and even disgust. She threatens to leave him or to stop speaking to him frequently. And she refuses to show him affection, giving affection only when he does exactly what she wants. She is especially cold, even nonverbal, when she is mad at him. Sometimes she goes days or even weeks without speaking to him. Mary also goes to other family members and friends of Tim's to talk to them about Tim, thus isolating Tim from those who would be supportive and could let him know that he is being abused. Mary is showing a distinct pattern of emotional abuse that comes at Tim from several different directions:
1. Constant criticism or attempts to manipulate and control
2. Shaming and blaming with hostile sarcasm or outright verbal assault
3. The use of shaming and belittling language
4. Verbal abuse - name-calling
5. Withholding affection as punishment
6. Punishment and threats of punishment
7. Refusal to accept her part in the dynamic
8.    Mind games, such as gaslighting, when it comes to accepting personal responsibility for her own happiness
9. Refusing to communicate at all
10. Isolating him from supportive friends and family
The emotional abuse cycle follows the same pattern as that of physical abuse - once the victim of emotional abuse figures out what's going on and starts thinking about leaving or seriously calls the abuser on his actions, the abuser will suddenly become very apologetic and romantic, trying to woo her back into the fold. He will buy flowers, cook suppers, tend to the children, or whatever else he has to do to make her believe that what she thinks she saw, what she believes to be true, is actually false. No, he is a perfectly good husband or partner, and there is absolutely no reason for her to be thinking about leaving. But as soon as she comes back around and begins to trust that he will no longer emotionally abuse her, he starts back up with the same old abusive patterns. Now, it is harder for her to leave, because she has begun to believe in him again.
Emotional abuse is a painful and serious pattern of abuse in which the primary effort is to control someone by playing with their emotions. We dumb down the implications of emotional abuse by mislabeling minor interactional issues as emotional abuse.
(Andrea Mathews, LPC, NCC, is a cognitive and transpersonal therapist, internet radio show host, and the author of Restoring My Soul: A Workbook for Finding and Living the Authentic Self).

Tariff

News Archive

Inside The New Nation

Editorial »

Only change of politics can help investment, not what Investment Board says


THE Revenue Board has dismissed a number of proposals from the Bangladesh Investment Development Authority (BIDA) that the latter feels would help ease doing business in the country. In one proposal, the BIDA has suggested relaxing tax burden, in the form of VAT (value added tax), on financially-vulnerable companies. It ...

International »

New Zealand leader Ardern offers virus know-how to Joe Biden


AP, Wellington:New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern on Monday became the latest world leader to congratulate President-elect Joe Biden on his election victory, saying she offered to share her nation's expertise on dealing with the coronavirus.Ardern said the tone of the 20-minute phone call was warm and that Biden spoke ...

Football »

Ibrahimovic scores twice, limps off as AC Milan stay top in Serie A


AFP, Milan :Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored twice to bring his tally to 10 league goals this season before limping off with a muscle strain as AC Milan stayed top in Serie A on Sunday with a 3-1 win at 10-man Napoli.Milan move back two points ahead of Sassuolo - 2-0 winners ...

Entertainment »

Sarika is now regular in TV dramas


Sheikh Arif Bulbon :Earlier popular TV actress and model Sarika Sabrin was seen to act in special days’ dramas. Now she is becoming regular in TV dramas. According to her, now she will be seen in TV dramas regularly. She earlier promised many times to be regular in dramas but ...

Editorial »

Historic archaeological sites need to be preserved


The medieval period heritage buildings and historic sites that are valued for their magnificent and distinct characteristics linked to the Pala, Sultanate, Mughal and the British architectural inheritance already turned into ruins while many others are facing gradual disappearance. A nexus of the politically influential people, businessmen and government officials ...

Business & Economy »

Super Board gets `Super Brand Award` 2020


Business Desk :"Super Board" a brand of Super Formica and Lamination Limited a business unit of T.K. Group recently achieved "Superbrands Award 2020". This prestigious brand award was announced at a virtual event organized by Bangladesh Brand Forum, said a press release.Super Board's long presence in the particle board industry, ...

Business & Economy »

Kevin Green made HSBC’s Country Head


Business Desk :The Hongkong and Shanghai Banking Corporation (HSBC) Limited has appointed Kevin Green as new country head of wholesale banking for HSBC Bangladesh.The appointment became effective from November 15, 2020, said a press release of the bank.The release said Kevin will focus on enhancing the client experience and further ...

City »

Health Minister Zahid Maleque distributes Individual Health ID Card at Hotel Sonargaon in the capital on Sunday.


International »

US hits 12 million Covid-19 cases as many Americans defy Thanksgiving travel guidance


Reuters :The United States recorded its 12th million Covid-19 case on Saturday, even as millions of Americans were expected to travel for the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, ignoring warnings from health officials about furthering the spread of the infectious disease.More than 12,010,000 cases of the coronavirus were reported, according to a ...

Football »

Bangladesh footballers start practice at Doha


Sports Reporter :Bangladesh Football team started their practice at Doha, the capital city of Qatar on Sunday. After reaching Doha on November 19 for the first time members of Bangladesh team took part in their practice sessions in the outdoor. Bangladesh team arrived in Qatar to play their away match ...

Entertainment »

Man held in Khulna for sending obscene messages to Srabanti


A man has been arrested in Khulna on allegation of sending obscene text messages to Kolkata’s celebrity actress Srabanti Chatterjee. The arrestee is Mahbubur Rahman, 33, son of Atikur Rahman, resident of Bakshipara road area under Sonadanga Model police station of Khulna city. Mamtazul Haque, officer-in-charge of Sonadanga Model Police ...

Editorial »

People of Bangladesh are losers for their weakness


TAX Justice Network (TJN), a London based anti-graft body said Bangladesh loses around $703.40 million which is around Tk 6,000 crore in taxes a year. This is quite a big amount of money that a least developed country like Bangladesh is annually losing.  It includes $674.24 million by corporate tax ...

City »

The Country Coordinator of UNV, Dhaka Md.Akhteruddin visits Bangabandhu Research Center, Northern University Bangladesh (NUB) on Saturday. During the visit, he was accompanied by Professor Dr. Anwarul Karim, Adviser, NUB and Executive Director, Bangabandhu Research Center and the Registrar, NUB Comdre Munirul Islam.


Sports »

Djokovic reaches ATP Finals semis, Nadal showdown still on


Agency :London's farewell edition of the ATP Finals could still have its dream climax after world number one Novak Djokovic beat Alexander Zverev 6-3, 7-6(4) to seal a last-four spot on Friday.Defeat by Russian Daniil Medvedev had left the five-time champion needing to beat Germany's Zverev to avoid a group ...

International »

Covid-19: Hong Kong-Singapore travel corridor postponed


BBC Online :The launch of a travel corridor between Hong Kong and Singapore has been postponed for two weeks amid a surge of Covid-19 cases in Hong Kong.The deal was due to kick in on Sunday, allowing passengers to fly both ways without the need to self-isolate.The decision is a ...

 
Items that you save may be read at any time on your computer, iPad, iPhone or Android devices.
 
Are you new to our website? Do you have already an account at our website?
Create An Account Log in here
Email this news to a friend or like someone
Email:
Write a comment to this news